nausea

I've been experiencing an odd kind of bashfulness about promoting this show. Perhaps this is one of the problems of doing everything yourself. I feel as if I'm pushing myself into people's faces in a way that's very uncomfortable. I make flyers because I don't want to go to all this trouble to put on a show and then have no-one experience it. Then I don't really feel like putting the flyers out because they make me wonder what on earth I think I'm doing and if I'm going to be able to deliver....

Going to the Edinburgh Festival a few times recently has helped to get some of this out of my head and into this - new - world. Of course you promote your show - look at them all there, jumping around in makeup and doing magic and putting flyers into your hand - they've done all this work, they've got a show, and now they want you to come and see it.

The confusion is between myself and my show. The discomfort comes when I think that it's me that's going out there. Then I remember, with the great relief of what is still quite a new perspective, that it's ok, because it isn't me at all. It's a show. Art is much bigger than the person who made it.

I don't mean bigger in the sense of grand, I mean bigger in the sense that the artist has no control over how or what people will see or feel in response to what's been made. It becomes something else once it's shared, something unknown...


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