I become aware of more and more paradoxes. Developing your unique expression, mining your idiosyncratic responses; so that you can reach out beyond the idiosyncratic, to a much wider, more connected world. Having to get away from the impulse to please others or receive approval, trying to find a place within yourself where you can stand; so that you can get beyond yourself. Working to your own agenda, trying to find your own source; but at the same time not wanting to leave what comes out in the garage - wanting to share what you find.
And all the time an unseen tussle between the shrieking of the ego, and what I think of as the crying of the soul. Ego, running its out-of-control patterns of caution, protection and defence, trying to protect you from making a fool of yourself, making sure you stay small and insecure. Something larger, more connected, continuing its insistence, however much ego hacks away at its beauty and strength.
I've realised why I write this blog. I feel free here. Free, but not locked away, in the way that one is in more personal journal writing, for example. Here I can try to look at the creative process I'm involved in with at least some sense of objectivity. Even if that objectivity is a complete illusion, the idea that even one other person might want to share in thinking about these things is enough to take me just slightly out of my own sticky, self-referential web. And I like that feeling.
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