Sunday, 20 December 2009

What's pushing?

I'm still thinking about that lost post, the one that considered the history of my relationship with my violin as an example of how the mind sabotages a natural desire or capacity. What is the urge to do something like try to make music? Why did I give up at 12, 18, 25, 32 and 49, but feel sufficiently drawn to it to start all over again from the beginning at 17, 22, 31 and 43?

If the urge is strong enough to keep returning, despite it being less and less likely that I'll ever 'achieve anything' with it, why is it not strong enough to insist that I plunge in completely and sustain involvement without all this stopping and starting?

The blocking is very complex, involving many different aspects of mind and emotion. But the desire to make music itself seems even more mysterious.


  1. The "blocking" which you mention could be seen as being a natural tendency to be sceptical about the things that consume our attention. If we were so easily convinced by the things that absorb us then there might be a danger that we would never wake up from our reverie. The urge to return and continue after so many previous 'failures' is probably an expression of the desire to be absorbed and the recognition that time needs to pass before the disappointment of previous failures can wear off. Only then can we return with renewed energy.

  2. Gosh, only just found this. Thanks for commenting, very hepful.



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